The Totally Epic Adventures of Mary Sue
by Loca Bambina
Summary: Take half a cup of overused plot ideas, stir in a tablespoon of clichés, and add a pinch of nauseatingly perfect characters. Bake until slash rises to surface and is light and fluffy. Serve with a side of OOCness and, of course, a Mary Sue. Enjoy.
1. ORIGINAL CHARACTER TIEM

A/N: Yeah, so, I know I have like 4 multichaptered stories to work on, but I couldn't resist writing this and putting it up. I don't know if I'll finish it; I'll probably add at least 3 or 4 chapters, but it's not top priority. I mean, I don't even know if it's funny. Is it funny? Did I try too hard? Lol.

This was heavily influenced by **Attack of the Cliched Plots** by MooseyDoom777. If you like this, read that. If you don't like this, read that anyway. I assure you it is 500 times funnier... and I'm guilty of writing some of those cliches... lol.

Anyway, I hope you all like this. And I'm sorry to everyone who's waiting for me to get off my ass and update _WLoM_ or _Secrets_, but I'll probably be uploading the first chapters of two _new_ stories sometime this week, bringing my total of WIPs up to...7? Ahh. Don't worry, I'm good at prioritizing (...not...). But I'll try my best to focus on writing the stories people want to read, you know?

Ahh, whatever. Tell me what you think about this story, okay? Thanks. :)

disclaimer: don't own South Park... or American Idol... or Hello Kitty... la-di-dah...

* * *

The (Totally Epic) Adventures of Mary Sue

It was a dark and stormy night. As the torrent of rain battered the window, rattling the glass, two boys, one dark-haired, one with fiery curls, huddled under a tent of blankets, shivering-

Oops, sorry. Wrong story (this is what happens when you try to work on 4,000 fics at once…)

Um… wait. Hang on.

_Please hold while author scrolls through Microsoft Word documents._

Let's see…_ Secrets… Pain… Hot Sex Scenes featuring Stan and Kyle… _oh crap, you're not supposed to know about that one. Oh, here it is. _The Totally Epic Adventures of Mary Sue_.

You still with me? Good. Unleash the epicness!

* * *

It was a snowy day in South Park, Colorado. You know, 'cause snow is so rare there, I just had to mention it. Anyway, said snow covered everything: the ground, the houses, the church, and, of course, South Park High School.

Inside South Park High School, classes were in session. There were four of them, by the way. Classes, I mean. Nobody wondered why, exactly, South Park had its own high school, when the enrollment had reached a high of 104 students five years before. Nobody questioned why these 104 students (now it was 97) had to have a building all to themselves; I mean, wouldn't it have been much more convenient for these kids to go to Middle Park High?

But alas, that is the way of the world. Maybe someday one of the South Park taxpayers will raise the issue to the mayor; when that happens, _if_ that happens, I will be glad to share the story with you. But for now, let's return to the tale at hand.

Inside room 2, twenty-five sophomore students were hard at work memorizing the order of the eliminations of each _American Idol_ contestant for the last nine seasons. It might be interesting for the reader to note that _Idol, _at the time this story is being written, is only on its seventh season; that may be the reason for the confused state most of the kids were quite obviously in. Either that, or they'd realized their teacher was a complete and utter idiot.

But c'mon, didn't you figure that out by the end of the first season?

Mr. Garrison, the idiotic gender-confused teacher who, for some unknown reason (perhaps budget cuts?) had taught the current sophomore class every year since the third grade, sat at his desk, reading some naughty romance novel or other, oblivious to the noise of his class. I've included, for your interest, snippets of the shouts Mr. Garrison was _not_ hearing:

"Dude! Ew! It's on your leg!"

"TIMMAH!"

"and I was like, 'No way! Do you really think he's hot?'"

"Oh, crap, it _is_ on my leg! Shit!"

"Mmmmpffmm mmmfpmfph mmmm!!"

"Aw, hamburgers, it was Haley, _then_ Sanjaya…"

And so on and so forth.

It was about this time that a girl was making her way slowly-

Oh shoot, I forgot to give you the all-important Overview of Characters (aka What They've Been Up To Since We Last Saw Them Six Years Ago). Lemme get that out of the way really quick so we can move on with the story.

First of all, there was Stanley Marsh, commonly known as Stan. He had long, sexy raven-black hair (he'd ditched the hat years ago) and stunning deep blue eyes that sometimes turn brown whenever I forget to check what color I made them. He was captain of the SPHS football team, the Cows, and was the most popular guy in school, currently dating Wendy Testaburger, renowned cheerleader/debate team co-captain. He wasn't too smart, but he was very, _very_ emotional and just so happened to be deeply in love with his Super Best Friend, Kyle-

Shoot. Wasn't supposed to tell you that yet… pretend you never heard that.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, Kyle Broflovski was South Park High's biggest nerd. Jewfro, big nose, glasses (apparently he's always had 'em. Guess I missed the memo), and better grades than anyone, even Wendy. Though her GPA of 4.9 came pretty close… Kyle, despite being such a geek, was popular because he was Stan's Super Best Friend (read as: secret gay crush) and of course, the second main character. You know, Stan, _then _Kyle, Cartman, Kenny… though if you ask any fangirl around, they'll tell you Kyle is the hottest and therefore THE MOST IMPORTANT character!!11!!1!!11 Duh.

Eric Cartman, the world's most famous bigoted asshole (and the world has a lot of famous bigoted assholes, so you know I'm pretty serious here), had undergone many drastic changes since elementary school. For one, he was no longer fat (gasp!). Calm down, calm down - he's still big (yay!)… but that's all muscle (readers attack author, screaming things along the lines of "How could you!" and "You ruined him!"). See, as Cartman went through puberty, he experienced a growth spurt, which somehow balanced out all that fat. And as if that weren't miraculous enough, he'd somehow managed to become hunky and muscular without lifting a finger or touching a piece of lettuce (the Cheesy Poof diet! Maybe he should market that). Behind all that muscle, though, was the same fatass we know and love/hate – he was still racist, anti-Semetic, greedy, selfish, etc., etc., etc. He still hadn't gotten a girlfriend, but he was deeply in love with – you guessed it – Wendy Testaburger, his debate team partner-in-crime.

And that leaves us with Kenny McCormick (because really, even though Wendy, Butters, Craig, Tweek, Pip, Bebe, and the others still exist, they are usually reserved for pairing purposes only in the fanfiction world). Kenny had gotten poorer over the years; his father, once a harmless drunk, now abused Kenny and his brother Kevin, both physically and sexually. Maybe this contributed to the fact that Kenny was, of _course,_ bisexual (come to think of it, why is he _always_ bi?) and was considered the second biggest whore in South Park (after Liane Cartman, of course. I mean, duh.) Kenny wore the same old jacket, but the hood usually rested around his shoulders, letting people get a full look at his SUPER HOTTT face. Which was almost always bruised.

So anyway. The class (read as: Butters) was working diligently on the assignment, happily chattering about enlightening topics such as Kyle's ass, Bebe's boobs, and Stan's deep, sexy brown eyes (oops, sorry, I meant blue. See? I told you!) when suddenly the classroom door flew open and in walked the most beautiful girl any of them had ever laid eyes on.

She had long, silky black hair that fell to her waist and shone when she moved; her eyes were deep, possibly deeper than Stan's, and the color of a stormy sky. She was thin and tall (but not _too_ tall) and had boobs bigger than Bebe's that were currently modeling a purple halter top that perfectly complimented her white short-shorts.

Okay, can I stop describing her beauty? I'm making myself nauseous here.

She flashed a grin at no one in particular, and her perfectly white teeth nearly blinded half the class. Mr. Garrison stood up and joined her at the front of the room.

"Class, we have a new student joining us today. Please try _not_ to kill or in any way injure- um- "

"Crystal Jazzmyne Amethyst Rose Hermione Ivorie Kaitlynne Brovlofski," she said in a voice as sweet as an angel's. "But my friends call me Mary Sue."

"All right, Mary Sue," said Mr. Garrison. "Why don't you take a seat next to… oh, I know, how about right in the middle of Stan, Kyle, and Eric? Kenny, you find somewhere else to sit." (This makes little sense, seeing as there were seats open next to Wendy, Bebe, and Butters.)

Kenny mumbled something along the lines of "Damn it, why me?"

"Because you're poor," replied Cartman, his eyes fixed on Mary Sue, who was currently walking slowly towards her (Kenny's) desk. Kenny flipped Cartman off as he passed. Cartman returned the favor. Craig lifted his middle finger to absolutely no one in particular.

"Dude, she's _hot_," whispered Kyle to Stan. "Think she'd go out with me?"

"Didn't she say her last name's Broflovski? Wouldn't that be, like, incest?"

"No, dude, her last name's _Brovlofski._ Totally different. There's no way we're related." Stan rolled his eyes and sat back up in his seat. This was bad. Very bad. How could he get Kyle to date _him_ if his eyes were on that- that _new girl?_

Mary Sue settled into her seat. She was actually very, very shy, despite her revealing clothes and flashy smile. She began to worry – who would she be friends with? Who would she eat lunch with? Back in insert random faraway place name here, she hadn't had many friends (see, she was considered ugly there. Makes you wonder…) and she was nervous, because there was obviously a _very_ _strict_ caste system here at South Park High. Haven't you noticed? It's soooo cliquey!

The boy in front of her looked nice; he had raven-black hair and sexy blue eyes- wait, we went through that already. On her right was- was it a boy or a girl? A boy, she decided, with extremely curly red hair. He was cute. She guessed the boy on her left must the captain of the football team or something – how else could he be so muscular? (Cheesy Poofs, I'm telling you!) A blond kid with light blue eyes turned in his seat and waved to her. Good; at least she knew one kid here was nice, though the fact that he was wearing a pink Hello Kitty t-shirt frightened her a bit.

Several hours went by (which I will not take the time to describe – you guys want the good stuff, don't you?) until the bell for lunch finally rang. The students pushed through the door and into the large cafeteria (_why_ they needed a large cafeteria, I do not know), filling their trays and grabbing tables so quickly it seemed as if they had seat assignments. Which, perhaps, they did; it wouldn't be that far-fetched, now would it?

Before long, Mary Sue was the only student without a table. She was faced with the terrible, horrible, nerve-racking decision of –

_where to sit._

WHO will Mary Sue sit with? Will it be WENDY'S GROUP? CRAIG AND THOSE GUYS? or THE MAIN CHARACTERS, STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY, AROUND WHOM THE SHOW (AND THIS STORY) REVOLVES?

Have fun trying to figure it out. I love cliffhangers, don't you?


	2. Cafeteria Scene I

A/N: Wow, it's been a while.

Sorry, guys. I do want to continue this - I have plans for it (cue evil laugh) and it's fun to write. It's just - to write something like this, I have to be in a certain kind of mood, you know? It's hard to force myself into that emotion, so I haven't gotten to work on this too much. I plan on updating more often, though, because I know where I'm going with this now.

Thank you all for the reviews! It's really nice to hear such awesome feedback, because I don't consider myself that funny of a person. I try hard, I assure you, lol.

Again, I'd love to hear what you all think. Boring? Am I trying too hard? If there are any cliches I've missed, feel free to remind me.

Enjoy!

disclaimer: I don't own South Park, but some of these cliches appear in my own stories, alas.

* * *

_Last time on_ The (Totally Epic) Adventures of Mary Sue_:_

_WHO will Mary Sue sit with? **Wendy and her group? Craig and those guys?** or **Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny?**_

For some reason, Mary Sue found herself drawn to the table in the very center of the cafeteria. Maybe it was the fact that most of the tables (there were around six) were packed with students, while this one only held four; she recognized them from class.

"Um… hey, guys, can I- sit with you?" The boys looked up at her radiant beauty and drooled. Figuratively, of course, except for Cartman, who actually did have slimy spit running down his chin – Sheph (the school chef who was exactly the same as Chef in every way) had made Salisbury steak that day.

"Yeah, sure!" said Kyle, grinning.

"Dude, she's a _girl_," protested Stan, temporarily oblivious to the fact that she happened to be the hottest thing to come to South Park since they'd actually had summer three years ago.

"Aw, c'mon. Let her sit here."

Mary Sue smiled nervously and slid next to Kenny, who scooted over to make room and bumped into Cartman. "Ey! Sit on Stan and Kyle's side!"

"Oh. Sorry." She got up and walked around the table. Kyle made a space for her between him and Stan, but Stan immediately slid in to fill it up.

"What was that for?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow as Mary Sue took a seat on Stan's other side.

"Yeah, that was really gay," said Cartman through a mouthful of steak. "D'you have a boner for Kyle or something?"

Stan blushed. "I'm not gay!"

"Mhmm, sure."

It might be interesting to note that less than two months before, Cartman and Kenny had engaged in some questionable activities at Craig's party (that Craig, he's such a partier. You'd think his parents would be home at some point – or his house would be wrecked – or someone would call the police – but no, Craig somehow manages to get away with wild parties three times a week). Of course, everyone had conveniently forgotten this but himself and Kenny, who'd screwed so many people he didn't really care anyway.

"So, um, Mary Sue," said Kyle shyly. "What brings you to South Park?"

The girl blushed before answering. "Well… see, my dad lost his job and found a new one here, and so he and me and my little sister Marge moved last week."

"What about your mom?" Cartman asked, taking a swig of chocolate milk.

"She died of cancer when I was five," Mary Sue said quietly. The others looked at each other, not knowing what to say. "It's okay, though, I have my dad and he's great. Really. I miss my mom, but I don't remember her that much."

"I'm sorry," Kyle said, putting his arm around her. "Life must be so hard for you, without a mother." Funny how he never says this kind of thing to Cartman, the fatherless one.

"No, really, it's okay," said Mary Sue. "Um… anyway, uh-"

"Kyle," he filled in quickly. "Kyle Broflovski. Not _Brovlofski_, like yours, but Broflovski."

"Oh, right."

There was an awkward silence, but, as this is fiction and not real life, I'm going to keep these to a minimum.

"Hey, Styaaaaan," Wendy drawled, popping up at their table. Bebe, her best friend, hung off her elbow.

"Hey, hon," he murmured, leaning in for a kiss and (surprisingly) _not_ puking his guts out – remember, Stan's the super-cool jock. She giggled and stood back up, her peace necklaces clanking against each other. Cartman rolled his eyes.

Next to Wendy, Bebe pulled out a tube of lip gloss and reapplied right there in the lunchroom. She was wearing a red tank top, even lower cut than Mary Sue's, and a white micro-mini. Rumor had it Bebe had slept with every guy in school – of course, her record came nowhere near close to Kenny's, as she was _totally, undeniably straight._ (Remember that, it'll come in handy later on.)

Anyway. Back to the story.

"Anyone going to Craig's party tonight?" Bebe asked, gliding the wand along her lower lip.

"Mhmfmhphmh!" called out Kenny, whose voice was strangely muffled despite his unhooded (SUPERHOTOMG) face. "Mhm mmphmm mhmfm?"

"Hah, no," Cartman laughed. "You wish, Kenneh."

"Mmphmmfhmhmphhm!"

"Kyle and I aren't going," Stan said. "You're sleeping over tonight, right, Kye? After football practice?"

"Oh, yeah," Kyle said, pulling his arm away from Mary Sue's shoulders, where it had been the whole time. "Um, yeah. We're not going."

"Aww, Stan," said Wendy. "You sure?"

"Yeah. Go with Bebe, have some fun."

Bebe giggled. "Fun… oh man, last night was fun."

"You got wasted again?" Wendy sighed.

"No, not _wasted._ I mean, I know who I had sex with. Uh… Clyde. I think? Or Timmy. One of those black guys."

Token, the only black kid in South Park, had been out of town for a week and a half.

"Mhm mphmm, Mmphmm Mhfhm?" Kenny asked, brushing his sexy golden locks back with one hand. Mary Sue blushed, but she'd obviously understood what Kenny said.

"Uh, I don't think so. I don't know anyone and-"

"Great opportunity to meet people!" Bebe grinned. "C'mon, Craig's parties are awesome. All the hot guys'll be there…"

"Oh! I'll go," she said immediately, ever the super-shy-modest slut. Bebe laughed and Wendy narrowed her eyes.

"Tonight at eight, then. See you!" Bebe waved – Wendy, being the complete bitch she was, didn't – and the girls walked off.

Then, of course, the bell rang. How convenient.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX (super awesome original divider) XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

In an effort to make the plot more complex (it's all about layers, people), we're going to switch settings now, okay?

Far, far, _far_ away from the small town of South Park, a boy with flaming red eyes and dark, black, goth, emo, midnight-colored hair was sitting in his underground room thinking about things most evil. This boy's name was Damien, Son of Satan (didn't see too much point in building up the suspense there, sorry), and his father (Satan) was, inexplicably, large and red.

Like Clifford, just less gay. (Ahem…)

Anyway, Damien had a problem. Seven years ago, his father had taken him along on somewhat of a business trip to South Park, Colorado. It was different from his hometown, Hell, but it wasn't that much better, Damien thought. In South Park, everyone had hated him for some reason. It wasn't like he'd tried to destroy the classroom or turned anyone into a duck-billed platypus or anything like that. _No,_ their hatred for him was completely, totally irrational, which made Damien feel very unloved and angsty.

_Yes,_ Satan's son has feelings.

The only person who hadn't hated Damien had been a little blond boy named Phillip Pirrup (Pip's full name, idiots. Haven't you read _Great Expectations?_). Damien, of course, overlooked the fact that Pip was nice to _everyone_, and immediately became obsessed with the Fritish (French/British, of course) boy, thinking that because Pip had been nice to him, Pip _must_ be in love with him.

If only he could see his darling Pippie again…

* * *

A/N: Short chapter, I know, but most of these Mary Sue stories have short chapters anyway. I'm looking forward to writing chapter 3 - hopefully it'll be a lot funnier - and any comments you have are appreciated. Thanks!


	3. LOOK IT'S CHAPTER THREE

A/N: Another chapter? So... so _soon?_ THIS IS INSANITY.

I'm sorry for the sporadic updates, guys! I'm in a horribly good mood right now, lol. Let's see if I can get some sort of routine going. Okay.

Anyway. Please feel free to remind me of clichés I've missed or to let me know if this is completely boring, overdone, stupid, too original... yeah. Hah. Enjoy. :)

* * *

The (Totally Epic!) Adventures of Mary Sue

_Chapter 3_

After lunch, the kids filed back into the classroom, where Mr. Garrison was hard at work proofreading _The Land Before Penises_ (the sequel to his bestseller, _Valley of the Penises_) and talking on his cell phone at the same time. As he was not too talented at multitasking, the resulting speech sounded a bit like Craig's boyfriend, Thomas:

"Well, you can take your- penis- _house _and shove it up your ass! I don't _care _if you can't fit it- penis- I don't care if you can't fit it up your ass! Shove it up Al's ass, then!" Pause. "No, not your- penis- _penis!_ That's exactly what I _don't_ want you to shove- your _house_, damnit-"

The students rolled their eyes as they passed his desk. Mary Sue walked by with a worried look on her face.

"Is he okay?" she whispered to Kyle as Garrison launched into another chorus of "penis!"

"He's never been okay," Stan said, grabbing Kyle's wrist. "C'mon, dude, class is starting."

Kyle blinked, looked at the teacher and then at Stan, shook his head, and sat down anyway.

They sat in silence for a few minutes – well, as silent as a group of (mostly male) fifteen-year-olds can be – until Cartman finally spoke up.

"Gay."

"Yeah, totally gay," Clyde chimed in. Craig flipped him off.

"Why don't you _do_ something about it, then?" Wendy challenged Cartman from across the room. Craig flipped her off, too.

"No, bitch, you do something about it."

"But it's not bothering me."

"Then _I'll _bother you, skank."

"You've been bothering me since third grade."

"You bother me more, ho."

They continued their pointless argument for the next two-and-a-half minutes – just enough time to prove to everyone that they _absolutely hate each other and will never, ever get together_ – and then Kenny got up from his seat, interrupting them.

"Screw this. Let's ditch." (Wait, I forgot, is his voice muffled in this story? It's been forever since I've updated, sorry.)

"Buh-but ditching's a bad ch-choice," Butters said, rubbing his knuckles together. "We'll get punished, yes we will, luh-locked in the Time Out Closet for thr-three hours again, and our dads'll come in at night and-"

"Butters, your life is fucked up," Kyle sighed.

"Wait, Butters, your dad rapes you too?" Kenny turned back around. "What a coincidence! We have so much more in common than I'd thought!"

"Let's go out, then." Butters stood up. "After all, if wuh-we don't get tuh-together early in the story, then- then who will Stan have to guh-go to for relationship advice?"

"Wait, what?" Stan asked.

"It's official, then," Kenny grinned. He took a step forward and planted his lips directly on Butters's mouth. Butters blushed and began to grope Kenny's ass, because, well, he's always been a total slut like that.

The rest of the class looked at each other and sighed. Token opened his notebook to a list titled _Kenny vs. Bebe_ and made another notch under Kenny's name.

"Do they do this sort of thing often here?" Mary Sue whispered to Kyle.

"Eh. Every couple of days or so."

"And that's not… weird?"

"Half the class is gay," Kyle responded, "but they don't know it yet. They'll all figure it out by next month, I'm sure." He rolled his eyes. "I'm straight, just so you know."

"Really? Sorry, but I would've pegged you as the gay one. I mean, aren't you going out with that kid with the raven-colored hair?" She jabbed her thumb at Stan.

Kyle's cheeks burned. He wasn't mad at Mary Sue, of course, because she was REALLY SEXII and therefore always nice to everyone. But... why would she have thought that? He and Stan didn't, like, act gay or anything.

There was only one explanation.

"CARTMAN!" he roared, jumping out of his seat and grabbing the larger boy by the shirt collar.

"Oh, hello there, Kyle. Can I help you?"

"You're spreading a rumor about me and Stan dating, aren't you?"

"Dude, someone starts that 'rumor' every three months," Craig muttered from his desk two seats down. "You guys are just in denial."

"In denial – and in _love_," Cartman added. Kyle clenched his fists.

"Fuck you, Former Fatass. I'm not gay, and neither is Stan." Behind him, Stan blushed.

"Stan's the gayest thing to come to this town since…" Cartman thought for a second. "Since the Freshe Foods grocery store moved in two years ago."

"That wasn't gay, that was _healthy_, r-tard. There've been gayer things than that."

"Like Stan, right."

"Screw you, Catman," Stan mumbled, turning an even brighter shade of red.

"…Catman?" Kyle asked, blinking.

"Oh. Sorry. Typo."

xXxXxXxxxxXXxxXxXxX

Pip Pirrup was home sick. Or, at least, he'd told his foster parents he was sick – he'd actually employed a clever trick he'd learned known as "pretending to be ill", and it had worked pretty well. He was proud of himself.

The thing was, Pip got bullied at school. A lot. I'm not sure why – maybe it's because he's British. The guys over at South Park High don't take kindly to those types around here.

Pip was working hard on knitting a sock to send to his sister in England. It was really a very nice sock, but he was having a difficult time concentrating. There were voices in the kitchen.

"Would you kindly keep it down?" he called, knitted another loop, realized that there weren't _supposed _to be voices in the kitchen, and panicked.

But because he was Pip, and because he rarely got visitors at all, he got out of bed and stumbled over to the stairs. Holding his breath, he looked down into his kitchen. There was a black-haired boy (but it wasn't Stan, because it's customary to use a more descriptive adjective for Stan's hair) sitting at the table, drinking tea.

"Long time no see," said Damien.

"HEY I KNOW YOU," said Pip. "I hung out with you once in the third grade. You blew me up."

"So I did," chuckled Damien. "You suck, btw."

"Thank you!" grinned Pip. "I've never been insulted in chatspeak before. It's an honor."

"Eh, you get used to it. My dad's really into all that Internet gaming stuff."

"Your… dad?"

"Satan." Damien shrugged, as if this were a job you could show off to your friends on Career Day. "You've met him, right?"

"Once or twice." Pip joined Damien at the kitchen table and picked up the cup of tea that had already been laid out for him. "Howdja know I wasn't gonna call the police on you?"

"Brits can't resist tea." Damien paused. "At least that's what I've read."

"You got that right."

"You don't sound that British, you know."

"What?"

"Like, I dunno, you used to sound more…" Damien fumbled for a word. "British."

"Bloody hell!" Pip shouted. (I'm looking through my Harry Potter books for useful British phrases, because Damien's right. Can't have Pip sounding too out-of-character!) "Bloody hell! Uh… mum! Mate! Snog! Colour-with-a-u! _Wingardium Leviosa!_"

Damien jumped out of his chair and flapped his arms.

"Whatever are you doing?" asked Pip. "I must say, old chap, you appear quite the dumbass."

"You said _Wingardium Leviosa_," sneered Damien, his voice reeking of "duh". "Haven't you read _Harry Potter_?"

"No, no, it's not very big in South Park. I think we've only mentioned it in that Lord of the Rings episode, remember?"

"Oh yeah," mused Damien. "Hmm." Then he grinned. "Hey, not to change the subject or anything, but I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Want to come home with me?"

xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxO

By the end of the day, room 2 was in total chaos.

Kenny and Butters were still making out in the corner, as were Stan and Wendy, though Stan kept sneaking glances at Kyle, who was making a total fool out of himself by trying to recite the Declaration of Independence for Mary Sue, who was paying close attention because she's perfect and therefore never gets bored. Cartman was eating a taco smothered in sour cream and chocolate sauce; Clyde was eyeing it with envy. Tweek had managed to spill his thermos of coffee down his poorly buttoned shirt, and Craig was licking it off, as they didn't have any paper towels handy. Bebe was texting eighteen different people on three different phones at once, one of which was Red's, but Red had somehow managed to knock herself out with her history textbook. Kenny and Jason were flipping through an old issue of _Playboy_, Timmy and Jimmy were attempting to play Spit, and Token was- _singing_.

And Mr. Garrison still hadn't gotten off the phone.

The bell rang. The class dropped everything they were doing, unhooked their tongues, zipped up their pants, and made a run/limp/wheel for it, leaving Red unconscious on the floor. (Screw Red. She's not a major character, nor does she have sexy eyes like Stan, so we can't feel too sorry for her.)

Since football practice wasn't for another hour and a half, the four boys headed towards Cartman's house to chill. The conversation on the way there didn't involve any 1) jabs about Stan being gay, 2) awkward blushes, or 3) accidental brushing with the ass of a best friend, and is therefore deemed uninteresting and shall be skipped.

Once inside, they kicked off their boots and headed for the couch to watch reruns of _Terrance and Phillip_, the only show that's ever on in South Park. (Except _Red Racer_, of course, but it's impossible for anyone to watch that unless they're at Craig's house.) Stan and Kyle leaned back onto the worn pillows as Cartman and Kenny headed to the kitchen for snacks.

"I'm starving," moaned Kenny, digging through the refrigerator. "I haven't eaten in…" he stopped to count on his fingers and then his bare toes. "Thirty-eight days."

"Goddamn, your family's poor." Cartman pulled out four jumbo bags of Cheesy Poofs.

"At least my mom's not a whore."

"At least _my_ mom doesn't steal from the grocery store."

"There won't _be_ a grocery store if you eat any more."

Cartman opened a drawer. "At least… at least I've never…"

"Never scored," Kenny offered.

"Will you guys shut _up?_" Kyle called from the living room.

"You're a stupid Jew!" Cartman hollered back, then shoved the bags at Kenny. "Pour these into a bowl, po'boy. Ah'ma gonna go watch TV."

"Fuck you," Kenny muttered, but began to pour anyway. He was used to being worked hard. He worked six jobs, all of which paid minimum wage – he was saving up for a new motorcycle. After all, he didn't have anything more important to spend the money on.

"Ey! Kinneh! Hurry up!" Cartman yelled. Kenny sighed and, balancing the overfilled bowl on his (beautifulsexyblond) head, walked out to the living room. _Terrance and Phillip_ was long over – because I have no realistic perception of time whatsoever – and the boys were listening intently to Kyle talk on the phone.

"Oh, Bebe did?" Kyle paused. "Uh, yeah, that's fine. No, really, I would've asked but-" He blushed. "Yeah. No, I know. Mhmm? Oh, yeah, it's tonight, right?"

"Who's he talking to?" Kenny whispered, sliding the bowl over to Cartman after taking a handful of Cheesy Poofs for himself.

"Take a wild guess," Stan murmured, looking at the cell phone with disgust. "Hint: slut."

"Uh… Bebe?"

"Mary Sue." Stan rolled his eyes.

"She didn't seem slutty to me," Kenny shrugged.

"No one seems slutty compared to you."

"Oh my God, guys," Kyle interjected, snapping his phone shut. "You're not going to believe this."

They leaned forward. Cartman stuffed eighteen Cheesy Poofs into his mouth at once.

"Mary Sue asked me out!"

* * *

OMG another cliffhanger, what?! D:

REVEW PLS!!1!! Im almost at 22 reveiws!! IF YOU GET THE 22ND REVEIW I WILL WRITE YOU 3 ONESHOTS, PUT UR OC INTO THE STORY, AND NAME MY 1ST CHILD AFTER U!


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